Lewis Black on Crazy Dictator Trump

“Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.” –Lewis Black

Kicking In the Fence

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other
side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.

The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.

GOD said “if you don’t tell them to stop, I’ll sue you”.

Satan started laughing and replied “You think you’ll find a lawyer on your
side of the fence”?

Pack of cards.

Little brother: Look, Sis, I’ve got a pack of cards.
Big sister: Big deal!

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented b

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teeth brush”.

Things the Movies Really Teach Us

3rd base does not feel like apple pie, it feels like vulcanized
rubber. This can lead to much pain with continued thrusting.

You can get anywhere with a little luck and a box of chocolates.
Hard work, intelligence, its all crap.

If you are a brave heart, shut up now. You’ll only get you and
your girlfriend killed. Also true for gladiators.

Never, EVER, choose the fish over the boat. Perfect Storms tend
to destroy both.

If you find an old book with ancient writing on it, rumored to
be the book of the dead, Do Not Open!

If the most experienced, smartest, most powerful jedi you know
says no, for goodness sakes, don’t do it.

Finally, something good comes from fantasizing about 12 yr old
American Beauties. (for all you counting on #1, don’t bloody try
it. Odds are you will get a 300 pound gay roommate named Bubba)

If your teacher gives you a bad grade, he/she’s probably an
alien.

Ugly mullet-haired freak gets Brittany Daniel, Moron of the year
recipient gets Rachel Leigh Cook. There’s hope for me yet!!!

Cannibals and Missionaries

Two cannibals meet one day…

The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. Just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The reply, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah, Ha!” the second cannibal replies, “No wonder–those are fryers!”

Modern sloppy

Have you ever been in a teenager’s room.

They’re all done in the same style — modern sloppy.